


Only Trying To Help

by Naria_Prime



Series: Songfics [2]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Comfort, Depressive Thoughts, Fighting, Guilt, OC-POV, OC-centric, Other tags to be added, Songfic, a bit OOC, attempted self-harm, flashback/memory replay, messed up thoughts, rebellious Naria, younger Naria (10 eons), younger Sunny & Sides (17 eons)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-04 04:56:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5321288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naria_Prime/pseuds/Naria_Prime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Naria is feeling down, because she wants to help fighting, and she could, but no matter how much she tries, she only ever makes things worse...<br/>And she doesn't even try to make a chaos, at least not this time...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Feeling down

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! ^^  
> My second songfic! And this one's in english!  
> The song for this is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoWOFOHyhro  
> Hope you like it, even though it's a Little different from what I usually write...

Was I really asking too much of them, when I just wanted to help them fight? It seemed like it...  
Sighting, more depressed than annoyed by now, I let myself fall backwards onto my recharge berth. Closing my optics, I hoped I would be able to pretend the last orn hadn't happened. But even that didn't work.  
I was only trying to help, but all I did was mess things up. I was... useless.

\----------------------

Well it's all about the boys  
Playing with their macho toys  
And they're making so much noise  
I didn't really want to shout

\----------------------

It had started out as a really normal orn though. While we were just training, everything was fine. I actually caught myself hoping that the Cons would at least leave us in peace this time.  
When I caught myself however, it was too late to stop that thought. I had jinxed it!  
By now I should have been used to the alarms, but, like always when they sounded, they caught me completely unprepared, making me stumble despite being quite sure already in the fighting style I was just practicing.  
“Naria! Get over here! To the safe room!”, I heard someone shout. Still a little confused from the sudden alarms, I didn't register who it was. It didn't matter anyways. I knew the way quite well, walking it without hesitation before my processor caught up to what I was doing. Had I not planned to fight this time?  
It was a split second decision, much like what sometimes led to my less thought out pranks. No one ever controlled anymore whether I really went to the safe room they had built for me long ago. I even locked it by myself usually. Therefore, no one noticed it when I went into the vents instead.  
Not one klik too soon, as not even half a breem later, a group of Cons sneaked past. How had they gotten in there? I decided to follow them.  
(In retrospect, that probably hadn't been the best idea...)  
Only a breem later, when we neared the command central, I heard fighting noise. It got louder and louder, until I realized that those Cons were trying to sneak up on the fighters, to catch those of us that were there unawares. And I was sure that Optimus was somewhere in there, too.  
That did it. I HAD TO warn them!  
Caught up in my exited planning however, I didn't notice that I was getting too close to one of the openings of the ventilation shaft I was hiding in. By now, they were really near the fighters. And that was when I fell.

\----------------------

My presence felt like an intrusion  
Causing way too much confusion  
Now I've been send into seclusion  
I've been banished and cast out

\----------------------

Right on top of one of the Cons.  
Now, my smaller size didn't work in my favor. The Con (who was ever larger than usual) simply caught me mid-air and held me at arms length.  
“Hey! Let go of me!”, I shouted, my temper getting the better of me, despite me not feeling even half as brave as my tone was suggesting. It didn't really work out anyways. The Con just shook me, seeming annoyed.  
“Be quiet!”, he told me, before turning to the others. “You think this one would make a good bait? Or a distraction? She's definitely loud enough.” The others nodded, uncaring if I could hear them discuss their plans. Not that I could do anything in the first place, anyways.  
And then we arrived at the battlefield that had been the command central. I found Optimus in the first klik. He was fighting Megatron, as always.  
Wait a moment! Hadn't these Cons said something about a 'distraction'?!  
Horror, along with realization, curled up in my tanks. I felt sick. They were going to us me to distract Optimus from the fight! He would get hurt that way!  
I struggled, trying to get out of the Cons grip, but to no avail. I just couldn't get free!  
And then, I felt a claw curling around my neck, someone whispering into my audio: “Scream.” I bit my lips in a desperate attempt not to do so immediately, but it didn't help, because now, the claw started getting tighter and tighter! Until I gave in to the urge to cry out.  
“Optimus! Help!”, I screeched, crying out in pain as the claw pierced an energon line. I saw him turn around, looking surprised, shocked, and then...  
Megatron took advantage of it. One shot of his fusion cannon, and Optimus fell.

After that, everything I remembered was a blurr.  
The Con that held me fell, and someone else caught me...  
The fight ended, the Cons retreating...  
I was brought into the med bay, catching only one short glance at Optimus...  
Ratchet told me (a while later) that Optimus would make a full recovery, but that it would take quite a few orns...  
This one little question: “Why weren't you in the safe room?”. To that, I actually answered honestly, explaining that I'd simply wanted to help...  
The lectures that followed, everyone still a bit on edge from the fight...  
The crushing guilt... I had caused this!

I was sent to my quarters, probably to be out of the way during the clean-up.

\----------------------

I'm not tryin' to place the blame  
But I feel it just the same

\----------------------

And here we were again.  
When the memory replay ended, I couldn't help but linger in it for a while. After all, it HAD been my fault. The guilt could therefore only get worse, no matter if I thought about it or not.  
This time, I had really messed up spectacularly.  
For a short moment I wondered whether I was in trouble, but just as I had that thought, another came: 'Sure I am! How could I not be?'  
I was sure that this time would really be the time where even Optimus would be mad at me. He had never been up to now, but this time he would be, for sure.

\----------------------

That I could be  
Yes, I should be in the game

\----------------------

Was it really that wrong, wanting to help?  
Apparently, it was. Why would they tell me to stay out of it again and again otherwise? I was ten eons old already, and I could fight! That was what I was training for, after all!  
Shaking my head, I stood up. Maybe walking around would help? I felt myself getting restless, and leaving my quarters was out of the question. So I simply went to the door leading to the hallways, and locked it. No sense in keeping it open, when I wouldn't leave anyways.  
But even though I tried distracting myself, my thoughts always returned to it. Was Optimus really okay? Was he awake yet? Would someone come for me? Would there be consequences? The questions went on and on, causing a processor ache by the way. Not that I cared...

\----------------------

My spirit's feelin' daunted  
I'm not sure I'm all that wanted  
Though I'm acting nonchalant, it's clear  
I'm starting to doubt myself

\----------------------

Just as everything had started to quieten down a little, I had another thought:  
Of what use could I be, if I didn't even manage to fight the Cons? Everyone always told me to stay where it was safe, to stay out of battle. Maybe that was because they had already known how useless I would be!  
After all, that was what I was, wasn't it? Completely, utterly useless in a fight!  
Who would want me, anyways? I certainly was much more trouble than I was worth. All the pranks, my temper... Everything!

\----------------------

Don't want to sound too stoic  
I'm not feeling that heroic  
No matter what I do I blow it  
And I'm only trying to help

\----------------------

In all my life, I'd always wanted to be a fighter. A hero, so to speak. And I'd absolutely loved stories about heroes. But real life wasn't like that now, was it?  
A bitter feeling overcame me, along with anger. Before I could process what I was about to do, I had my (still a little immature) guns out, shooting around, working off the anger. I didn't even care what I hit, I was just so angry, mainly at myself, which was probably why I was destroying my room, or at least trying to.  
(My still a bit immature weapons couldn't do that much damage though...)  
When I came to my senses again, I was overwhelmed with despair and guilt. And those emotions were quickly replaced by disgust. Disgust at myself.  
No matter what I tried, I couldn't get just one single thing right! And instead of trying to fix the mess I had caused, I just made another!  
Faceplates set into a grimace, I pulled at my left gun. But I wasn't strong enough, only succeeding in straining the connections rather badly and opening a small wound.  
Finally giving in to the urge to cry, I collapsed face down on my recharge berth.  
The world was just so unfair! I'd only been trying to help!

\----------------------

Only trying to help  
Only trying to help

Only trying to help  
I'm only trying to help  
Only trying to help  
I'm only trying to help out

Only trying to help  
I'm only trying to help now  
I'm only...

Only trying to help  
… trying to help


	2. Don't be so hard on yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sunny and Sides try to cheer her up again, or at least stop her from blaming herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! ^^  
> I don't believe it, I finally managed to get another chapter done!
> 
> Sunny and Sides might be a bit OOC in here, but that's because they're honestly worried for 'Ria. After all, she doesn't take things like this well.
> 
> And I did a different style of songfic this time. Just imagine them taking turns speaking/singing the lyrics of the song. The lines separate their parts, and the twins begin. It should be quite obvious as to who is singing which part.
> 
> Now, have fun with the chapter!

…  
So don't be so hard on yourself, no

\---------------------

...  
Was not who I'm supposed to be  
I felt this darkness over me  
We all get there eventually  
I never knew where I belonged  
…  
Been telling myself all along

\----------------------

Don't be so hard on yourself, no  
Learn to forgive, learn to let go  
Everyone trips, everyone falls  
So don't be so hard on yourself, no  
...  
So don't be so hard on yourself, no

\----------------------

…  
So how can this dark cloud be raining over me  
But hearts break and hell's a place that everyone knows

\-----------------------

So don't be so hard on yourself, no

\----------------------

...  
Was not who I'm supposed to be  
I felt this darkness over me  
We all get there eventually  
I never knew where I belonged  
…  
Been telling myself all along

\---------------------

Don't be so hard on yourself, no  
Learn to forgive, learn to let go  
Everyone trips, everyone falls  
So don't be so hard on yourself, no  
...  
So don't be so hard on yourself, no

\----------------------------------------

It was quite late when I heard someone knocking on the door to my quarters. Honestly, I wasn't really in the mood for company, but what did it matter? No matter who was there, they couldn't say anything worse than what I already thought of myself, now could they?  
“Come in!”, I therefore called out, the words muffled from where I was currently lieing face down on my berth. The voice I heard when the door opened, however, was not one of those I had expected.  
“Ria?” It was Sides who'd called out to me. He sounded... almost hesitant. And way more serious than usual. “Are you okay?” What a question!  
I almost wanted to shout: 'No! Definitely not!', but my earlier temper tantrum had just... taken the energy right out of me, so I just burrowed myself further into my berth. THEY were lucky! Already allowed to fight, and certainly not as useless as I had turned out to be. 'Why are they even here?', I thought. 'They shouldn't want to be around me, not with what happened...'  
Only a klik later, I was shaken out of my thoughts, as I felt them both sit down next to me.  
“Ratchet's letting visitors into the medbay now, and we thought you wanted to come, too. To see Optimus, you know?”, Sides finally told me, and I felt a hand on my back, trying to comfort me, probably.  
I flinched back nonetheless, muttering: “Why would I? I'm not exactly welcome there now. That was made pretty clear to me.” And I could understand it, too. It was all my fault that Optimus had gotten hurt. Only because I'd been so stupid, trying to prove myself...  
“Don't take what they said too serious, 'Ria. They were still on edge from the fight, and probably didn't mean it.”, he sighed, and Sunny added: “Ratchet's always yelling at us. If he's yelling, it can't be that bad.” About that, he was actually right, though the next question I asked was some sort of logical follow-up for it.  
“Do you know anything about Optimus' condition? How is he? Will he be okay?” For the first time in the whole conversation, I actually lifted my head, looking at them. I really needed to know this! If he didn't recover, I'd never be able to forgive myself...  
“Hey, calm down!”, Sides said, now smiling a bit. “He's stable. Still in stasis, but stable. We know nothing more. You'll have to ask Ratchet or First Aid.”  
“I can't.”, I told him, letting myself fall back down. “They're all still so mad at me, and they have every right to be! It's all my fault! If I weren't so useless, if I hadn't screamed...” I felt the tears well up again.  
“Come on, you know that's not true!”, Sunny protested, and before I could answer, Sides said: “You aren't useless, and you know that. Our first fight ended with us in the medbay, nearly blown to bits.” I actually remembered that...  
Resigned, I told them: “I just thought, if you can fight, I can do it, too... But it was a catastrophe!”  
“You're still 10.”, Sunny answered. “We weren't allowed to fight until an eon ago, when we finally turned 16. You remember, don't you?” I nodded into the berth. That made sense, really. So maybe... I wouldn't be that useless anymore, when I was old enough? After all, when even they told me that I still had to wait a bit...  
“And we're sure Optimus will understand it when he wakes up. He just can't stay angry at you...”, Sides added. That was true, too. But still, a bit of doubt lingered, along with the guilt. “Now, do you want to go to the medbay?”  
“Yeah...”, I answered, even though still a bit reluctantly. My left arm hurt pretty bad when I pushed myself up, nearly causing me to fall down again. I would have fallen, if they hadn't caught me.  
“You alright there?”, Sunny asked, sounding worried.  
I didn't answer, but then, Sides discovered the (very small) puddle of energon that had leaked out of the wound, asking: “Is that an injury from the battle? What happened?”  
Embarrassed, I quietly replied: “It isn't.”, pulling out of their arms.  
“What happened then?”, they both wanted to know. The first time I answered, it was too quiet for them to hear, and it took them three repetitions to get me to actually tell them. It was really embarrassing, okay?!  
I just sat there, between them. The 'down' feeling was back, this time together with what could only be embarrassment and shame. They probably caught onto this, I mean, how could they not, and instead of pursuing this any further, they again talked about visiting Optimus in the medbay, and that he wouldn't be angry. And that everyone else had probably calmed down already, too.  
I wasn't sure if I could believe this, but I let them talk me into it, anyways. I even started to tentatively hope that they were right. Maybe I really wasn't blamed anymore...

\----------------------------------------

It's not an easy road  
But now I'm not alone  
So I, I won't be so hard on myself no more

\----------------------

Don't be so hard on yourself, no  
Learn to forgive, learn to let go  
Everyone trips, everyone falls  
So don't be so hard on yourself, no  
...  
So don't be so hard on yourself, no  
…  
So don't be so hard on yourself, no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all liked it!  
> Please leave feedback for me!
> 
> That's the song I used this time: (Quite obvious from the title...)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yW6ReyRW4LM  
> I selected only the lyrics that fit into the story, leaving some out. The left out parts are marked by three dots each time.
> 
> Until next time!


End file.
